The Break Up, Communication, and The End
In retrospect something tells me I should have seen it coming. I should have noticed the quiet between us. I should have sensed his uncertainty. But I didn’t. Or I didn’t want to. The truth of the matter was that I was falling head over heels for the guy and he was calling it quits. I tried to give the guy some room, knowing that if I pushed for him to change his mind, it may only push him farther away. I shed many tears as I tried to come to terms with the fact that the guy I had spent the last year dating had decided I wasn’t the one. We spent a very long 4 weeks in a saddened state of not knowing how to “do” school without each others influence. I could tell the guy was having a difficult time as well, but I could not figure out if it was a grief that could be healed, or one that would always be regretted.
And at the end of this 4 weeks, we had our first lesson in communication.
The guy had been offered his first career type job in California, right before our Christmas break. It was a huge decision to make that would have involved a permanent move to California, and the possibility of taking a break from his education. In his 20-year-old mind, the idea of having to make that decision with somebody else’s well-being in mind caused some trepidation on his part. The guy just wasn’t ready to determine whether I was the one he wanted to make those decisions with. Looking back now, being older and more settled in my emotions, I can appreciate the position he was in and understand the fear he faced. My guess is that if the guy had continued to lead me into a relationship that involved major life decisions and changes, and then realized farther down the road that I wasn’t the one he wanted by his side, the fall out would have been immense. It would have changed something in the very core of me.
These fears aside, the guy and I needed to talk. I had purchased a plane ticket to spend our spring break in Acapulco with his family months before this, and I had no idea what I was going to do with it. I would have sold it to one of his friends, but we were all poor college students, and there was no way I was going to go after what had happened. We got together one week night for the first time in weeks to try to make some sense out of our situation, and decide how to move on.
There was a lot of silence.
Followed by a lot of good conversation.
Followed by a lot of tears.
Ending with the affirmation of a feeling that surpassed anything else…love.
And no amount of fear was going to keep us from making difficult decisions, or learning how to communicate about the hard stuff. We knew there would be more apprehension, more uneasiness, and more doubt. But we were determined to have faith in us. Determined to trust that what we knew in our hearts was stronger than our hesitations.
The guy didn’t end up taking that job in Cali. Instead we both finished out our second year of school there, and he accepted a job in his hometown of Bend, Oregon. This time when it was offered to him, we discussed it, and the guy asked me to move to Oregon to be with him. I gladly accepted.
We spent the next couple of years in Oregon barreling through our last year and a half of school, learning how to have real jobs at such a young age, and falling more in love. After two and half years of dating the guy, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, and I said yes. ♥
Eight and half years later, I find myself more in love with Mr. Aaron Schrader than the first moment I realized it was love. He is brilliantly creative, outstandingly talented, and knows me better than anyone else on the planet. He takes an interest in the things I love, puts up with my incessant chattering on days when I’ve got so much to say that I can’t chatter fast enough, and encourages me when I need some motivation. He believes in me more than I believe in myself. He knows my fears, doubts, and insecurities and refuses to let them define me. He pushes me when I don’t want to be pushed but desperately need it. He respects and admires the things that illustrate who I am, and desires for those very things to shine in me.
This is my love story.
The End. ♥